Motherhood beat me to death. Because not everyday is easy, kind and loving. There were times when i barely breath, there were times when my head is about to explode. Today was that times.
My Child refused to eat. It happened several times and whenever it came, the monster inside me jumped out of my self, eating me away and somewhat turned me into monster. I was angry just because my child didnt take his meal!
I yelled at my child, scold him and slightly neglect him. I tried so hard to control my anxiety. How can i be a monster? Even i knew that if children dont want to eat, they dont want to eat. It’s completly human being.
I didnt know what to do. I cried a lot while my child hear me in another room. The memories when my mother scolled me in my childhood came. It hurted and traumatized. He stucked in silence. I cried more and more because i dont know anything anymore. I hurted more.
I have ever promised to always cherish him when he lied back in the incubator box. To dote him, to respect him no matter what happens. I thanked him for stay alived. But i broke the promised and lost my control.
I’m not a supermom. I am a human full of vulnerability. I dont need people to judge me because i have judge my self hardly. I know it doesnt feel right but i dont want to blame my self anymore.I need to make a peace with my inner self. It’s hard. Motherhood is hard. And it’s okay not to be okay. I am grateful my husband gave me validity. The rest is, keep learning to be a better mother. I have to control my self no matter what.
My Child has physical issue. Even he is completly healthy, active and smart, he is so slim. So he must catch the weight up so he can be in the range of his age. One i forgot, that he keep growing up even in a slow pace. He has his own pace.
This night before bed, i said to him i am sorry. He easily said yes. He kissed me, cuddled me like nothing happened before. Why this angel must face a monster over something unnecessary? I promised to my self i have to be a better person, to be a better mother no matter how vulnerable i am. And i pray to God to keep my child away from my vulnerability, away from the monster inside me.
I love you Bentang.
Thought it was a long friday
Vintage House 