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A Little Story

Yesterday, i had a long conversation with my like-twins friend by phone. We had so many topics to talked about, about this and those, about korean drama or so, about spirituality and politics and sometimes about relationship and marriage. We are a perfect match when it comes to perspectives. Once, she told me the funny story about me. In my friend’s wedding, she met the junior whose brother same level with us. That brother just got married. The junior asked her brother about why would not he marry me since he used to worked with me back then? (By hearing this question, i just got a LOL automatically πŸ˜€ ). And her brother’s answer just made a bombing laugh for us. He said “She has too much work” (She refers to me).

I, barely writing about marriage in my post. But it doesn’t mean i don’t talk about it since my circle mostly a married people. I talked about it a lot and if i have to write it, i hope i can write it in different way. Maybe it’s not about marriage itself, it is about single woman in her late 20’s whom simply struggling on society. A shoulder to cry on? It can be but actually no. I just fine no matter what.

In my late 18 (when i went to college), people around me often talked about marriage instead of relationship. They said, marriage doesn’t related to age. And relationship, is something not really worth to be fought. It is enough to marry if you have well prepared mentality and have a catch of course. Because marriage will guiding you and make you more mature. In other words, i would simply said, the younger you married, the better, so i’d ever wanted to get married at 24.

After graduated, nothing seems so easy. You had to find a job which was so hard to find, you were clinged by some questions about “what i really want to do in my life” or while you’re struggling with your own stuffs, you saw your peers got something what you want. The world you’d ever imagined is fading out. And marriage, is something-you don’t want to think-about now.

If you still confused with what you really want to do, if you still struggling with the society you’ll living on and if you have a bunch of reponsibility towards family, institution or another certain parties, how can you called your self already well prepared? It is true that all those problems will always following you. But Is it just marriage who can make someone mature? Is it just marriage who can make you somebody? Or is it just marriage who can guiding you? That matters may will be answered if only you have a great great husband or great great wife. But is that possible if we are just nobody? The reality changes my mind, young marriage is not everything. It works for those who have early maturity. And most of people-including me- maybe are excluding that. Somehow, people do have their own priority.

Now, when the time finally bring me into -that-so-called- adult, people keep asking me “are you ringed?”, “When will you get hitched?” or “why don’t you get married?”. Those are so common questions for single woman like me in this kind of culture. You have no option but tolerate it well. But sometimes you’ll get irritated as well as people looking at you with the glare said ” You’re not off the market yet?” and “Ah..maybe you’re too picky.” Then, yes, judging others is easy right?

About two or three years ago, for the first time, my newsfeed full of wedding invitations. That time was the first time i got a symtomps of quarter life crisis. I’ve got a stress by scrolling the timeline and looked at my friends showing their PDA* with their mate. I was depressed by comparing my struggling life with such public happiness. And unwittingly, i kept asking my self “when will i”. Thanks God, because of that periode, i’ve learn so much to hold back everything.

Somewhat, i start to realize, this is the real world we’re living on. We keep looking at the others while forgetting the essence of our life, we’re busy comparing then less thanking. After got that life crisis, God saved me through unpredictable scenarios. Series of failure made me sharper than before. I started to act more, work more, read more and sometimes, discuss a lot. Like that brother said about me, yes, i have so many work. I gained a precious thing from that, wisdom.

I just love the way she smiles

I just love the way she smiles

Being single, is not like your world feeling so empty, lonely and miserable. Both married and single are having their own issues. My happiness by reading books all day long, movie marathon or going somewhere impulsively maybe is nothing for others. But life is just not about our own happines. To live is to love, to love is to understand, to understand is to share. How much you can learn,how much your productivity, how much you can share which can determine your quality of life. It can be done both you’re single or married. However, i have to thank to God because He give all those chance to improve my quality of life when i’m still single.

Worrisome certainly is companion. It’s just fine. Because of worrisome, we growing hope up, praying to God and keeping our life interesting. I’m worry too, i’m scary too and i’m wondering too. But all you need to do is accept right?. So now, if people trying to ask me “who will you marry?” i just say “who knows” right? Even before i was borned, it has been written, about who is he, about when it happens. So why do i have to waste my time wondering about something that i can do nothing about it? One of my besties said this “You can accept it, overcome it, and improve your self quality. But the most you have to do is, Believe in God.”

Like i have to continue my work πŸ™‚

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(Belajar) Memaafkan Diri Sendiri

Pada satu titik di dalam hidup, kau akan merasakan segala hal yang telah kau lakukan hanya berisi kesalahan. Entah menurutmu sendiri, entah kata sekitarmu. Entah kau menyadarinya, entah lingkungan yang memaksamu untuk melihatnya. Aku tak perlu bertanya pada siapapun tentang kesalahan apa yang telah kulakukan. Sebab sejak lahir, kehidupan sekitar telah membuatku mengerti, tentang betapa mungkinnya diriku untuk membuat kesalahan, dipersalahkan ataupun menyalahkan. Aku besar mengenali kesalahan sebelum membuktikan kebenaran.

Namun sungguh, hidup kadang terlalu berat untuk kita berpikir tentang kesalahan. Menanggung kemungkinan akan ketidakbenaran dari hal-hal yang kita telah dan akan lakukan menjadikan kita tak melakukan apa-apa. Dan karenanyalah, kita memohon pada Tuhan agar dijauhkan dari kesalahan dan didekatkan pada kebenaran.

Dalam sebuah renungan di malam yang panjang, aku bertanya, sebenarnya apa yang salah dari kesalahan? Kenapa tersebab kesalahan kita melukai hati kita sendiri? Membebani diri dengan pikiran-pikiran yang mengerdilkan hati. Bukankah dari kesalahan, anak manusia belajar mencari kebenaran? Bukankah dari kesalahan, terciptalah berbagai macam kebijaksanaan zaman? Bukankah Tuhan tak memarahi manusia karena berbuat kesalahan dan mengakuinya sebagai bagian dari kelemahannya? Lantas mengapa kita terlalu sulit memaafkan diri sendiri.

Choo Shin Soo, seorang atlet baseball pernah ditanya tentang siapa atlet yang paling ia hormati. Choo bilang, dia menghormati dirinya sendiri. Katanya, kita terlalu sibuk menghormati orang lain hingga lupa menghormati diri kita sendiri. Ia belajar menghargai dirinya sendiri dalam perjuangannya menjadi seorang atlet. Maka ketika beroleh kemenangan, dia ucapkan selamat pada dirinya sendiri. Dan ketika kekalahan menimpanya, ia katakan pada dirinya “tak apa, kau sudah lakukan yang terbaik yang kau bisa”. Barangkali karena itulah Choo termasuk dari sedikit orang yang mampu melewati kesulitan dalam perjuangannya menembus Major League Baseball.

Kini, ketika serangkaian episode perbedaan menyeruak pada dinding persahabatan dan jalinan kerja, kenyatanyaannya, sulit untuk tak menyalahkan diri sendiri. Atas ketidakmampuanku berlari lebih cepat, atas ketidakmampuanku bekerja lebih cerdas, atas keterbatasanku untuk berimajinasi lebih tinggi, segalanya mungkin akan lebih baik jika aku tak selamban ini. Atas pilihan untuk diam dan menghindar, barangkali segalanya akan lebih cair jika aku tak setertutup ini. Namun percayalah, terhadap ketidakbaikan yang bersemayam dalam pribadi, aku sedang belajar untuk memaafkan diri sendiri dan merubahnya menjadi lebih baik.

Setidaknya, dalam hidup yang singkat ini kita perlu terus belajar untuk memaafkan diri. Menyadari setiap kealpaan dalam diri dan kemungkinan bahwa, segalanya itu dapat pula terjadi pada setiap manusia. Seperti Yunus a.s yang menyadari setiap kesalahannya, memaafkan dirinya, mengerti kelemahannya dan membuktikan ketundukannya pada Tuhan, dalam perut Paus, di lautan yang dalam, dalam gelap, dalam gelap.

father-son-walking

Untukmu, yang Allah pertemukan kita karena suatu kebaikan, kumohon jangan menyerah padaku atas betapa besarnya kebodohanku.