–To Know Your Self is To Know Your God (Hadith Al Qudsi)-
Back then, when i was in college, my close friend who’d majoring in psycology told me that dividing billions of people into four hippocrates temperaments is just simply impossible. How can it be? We meet someone and judging his or her personality by telling that he or she is sanguins, plegmatic, melancolic or choleric. Life, sometimes, is just complicated, so do the people. Since then, either toward people or me,my own self, i’ve never clasifying human’s type of personalities by that theory. People are just simply they are.
I remembered the times i got easily annoyed when some peers i was not really close with, tried to read my personality. “Who are you judging me?” i said in my heart. And i was always kept away. My friends used to loved some know-your-personality things in magazines, social medias or other columns. I said big no for that kind of thing. “I know who really i am so why do i have to ask the machine about my self.’
Time flies, people change. Once, a friend of mine ever said one thing “maybe the furthest journey human ever supasses is journey of discovering them selves‘. I agree with that. In the time of reaching maturity, i feel like i lost my self oftentimes. I thought i was an extrovert type because i surrounded by the people who loved me dearly. My parents, my closest friends and (seemingly) good environment are the main part who design the way i am today. I used to be a cheerful girl when i was teenage, i am quite talkactive or maybe too talkactive till now and i have a good sense of humour and love to laugh with people. But something has missing. What looks on me is really not the essence. I’m keeping tons of questions in my head.
I love being with people but at the same time i draw a boundary among us. I’ve never been hated people but at the same time no once around me i can really adore. I like a deep inspiring conversation and new knowledges so i can build my own ideas without being follower. I declaring my self as open minded but at the same time i’m less compromise on basic thing i couldn’t resist. Long short story, those feeling gave me a sharp quetion. Why do i live in paradox? Who the real am i? How do i have to live my life? Until I think i need a tool to see my own self.
Not long ago, a journal of psychology gave me a glimpse of Myers Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI). The MBTI was constructed by Katharine Cook Briggs and her daughter Isabel Briggs Myers. It is based on the typological theory proposed by Carl Jung who had speculated that there are four principal psychological functions by which humans experience the world – sensation, intuition, feeling, and thinking – and that one of these four functions is dominant for a person most of the time. The underlying assumption of the MBTI is that we all have specific preferences in the way we construe our experiences, and these preferences underlie our interests, needs, values, and motivation (wikipedia).
Though i didn’t really have formal test of MBTI, thanks to this tool, i could describing my self in scientific way. And rather than got ah-this-is-me feeling, i was quite shock with the result. I’m not really what i thougt in the past. Among those sixteen personality types, i found my self being an Introversion Intuition Thinking Judging (INTJ).
They say, INTJ is innovative, independent, strategic, logical and represents The Mastermind. No, i’m not so smart, but, yes, i’m logic, i love books, i enjoy knowledge and i have mastered my mind. Seems fascinating? No, i’m struggling a lot.
For the past two years, i lived in solitariness after being apart with all my pals. This moment brought me into the journey of self talking and self contemplation. I might be unperfect or too much flaws, but sometimes i feel like i live in the world of radical ignorance. There are a lot of highly educated people around me, but most of them are thinking the same, between white and black, if i’m right-you’re wrong. In the era of social media, i just easily got sicked and tired of those mindsets. Why don’t people try to understand some other things who can extremely non mainstream? Many people seemingly loosing or forgeting the substance. I am a human who is looking for the substance for all the realities i have to face. That’s why i’m struggling. I think i just simply unfitted with all the trends.
Is it bad for the woman for not to fear on bugs or dark, for like any kinds of foods, for being a bookworm rather than make up junkies or foodist, for being less emotional and for not being so feminine? I thank to God because i can make my life independently, but sometimes, i feel like i’m lacking of gender stereotype. As far as i know, women are love to talk about themselves, post anything related to their life, their grudge or their excitament until they’re like emotionally helpless. I may be including that but i don’t like it. I hate my self for being so fussy and dramatic. And i always appreciate the moment i could talk with people something worth, something which can build my perspectives up. Not just about wounds, romance and gossip. I found it in a class, in a conference and seminar. I hope i can find it in daily life where i can talk about spirituality, phylosophy, history, humanity, culture or another particular subjects.
People may be unaware about how struggle i am and i hope they don’t. But being so different in society is not easy. Many said INTJ is the rarest population among those personality types and INTJ women are struggle of being utterly uncommmon. Just forget about strategist, thinker, independent, strong willed or intelectually driven because we live in society which do not care about it all. I often got stress for being tough, less emotional, not girly and very private. So, i must admit it, i’ve ever tried being someone else and wore persona(s).
Now, in the time where informations are uncontrollaby scattered, people tend to easily judge for what everything they heard or read. Trust me, i don’t even care about what people do, what people post or what happens to them, either happiness, achievement or confusion. I don’t have times for that. But i do really care, and i think hardly, deeply about the level of human development. We seem to keep high hopes while maintaining outrageously ridicolous people. What’s the point of debating about full time versus working mom, while parents having so much homework educating future generations? What’s the point of debating Assad’s real religion while thousands Syirian children are burning in the middle of guns and drones? What’s the point of debating people’s preference while many people live in proverty and ignorant? What’s the point of debating this and those while we’ve never been really read many books or think out loud? Why do we have to live in those trivialities?
Despite the anger to my self and my society, i consider not to surrender with all these circumtances. I can be my self for what everything i have. People should be growing up and so do i. INTJ is just a tool and it is not constant. Now i think i can make a peace with any kinds of dilemmas. Maybe i have no choice beside accept what happens on society. But it is my choose, for not being like society it self. This is just the way i am.
I swear to be more affectionate, caring and patient. Whenever i walk in the road, i see the face of fighting folks and it makes me cry. I swear i will be more grateful for the life full of grace God gives to me. Whenever i heard about so many unfairnesses happen in this world. I swear i will do something and praying more. Whenever i read a book and i found a new wisdom so that i stunned. I swear i try to be a better person.
First post in 2017, after series of broken heart, confusion and helpless feeling
All you need to do is keep learning, keep walking and do you best
Allah will grant you what you deserve